Please Stay, Don't Go!
by islashlove
Summary: Shawn and Lassiter is having a relationship with no strings attached. But how do they really feel about it? This is Slash
1. The agreement part 1

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own anything that is from Psych. **

**Beta:**** Yes and I would like to say thank you to "jerseybelle" for a wonderful job.**

**Warning:**** This is a slash story which means same sex relationships. If you don't like it, don't read it.** **In future chapter's there is talk of past abuse/rape and suicide. **

**Story Notes:**** Shawn and Lassiter are having sex with no strings attached. But how do they really feel about it and each other.**

**Please Stay, Don't Go!** **By islashlove**

**Chapter 1:**** The Agreement, part 1**

I was lying on my back and my breathing was fast and shallow. I could feel the sweat running down my body and I shivered from the sensation. I kept my eyes shut; I just could not bear to open them as I already knew what I would see. I felt the movement beside me, and then the bed dipped as the person that was laying there got up. My heart started to beat harder and faster which surprised me as I thought it couldn't beat any faster than it already was.

Then I heard the shower start and so did the nausea in the pit of my stomach. I could imagine him in the shower washing the sweat and the smell of our wild and untamed sex off. In less than ten minutes, the one I had just spent the last two hours with will be gone and I'd be left alone again.

I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay with me 'til the morning, like the first time we were together. Yeah, we were drunk and didn't know what we were doing at the time, but waking up with him next to me was... wonderful. He got up, had a shower and as he left we made a pact never to talk about it ever again. Then I got myself into trouble and ended up in hospital for a week. When I got out he was there on my door step, waiting. We had sex and straight after we finished he got up again and showered. When he finished we sat down to talk. We came to the same conclusion; this was just a way for us to get rid of our frustration with each other. So again we made another pact, only this one was, that we would have sex with no strings attached. It would only be sex and I was happy with this to start with. That was six months ago.

But now! Not so. I think, NO, I know, I've fallen in love with him. I want to be with him, to make love not just have sex. But it's not going to happen, to him all this is just sex. I'm starting to feel used. He can't even stay lying by my side for a second. As soon as we finish he's up and in the shower to wash me off him. God I wish I could break it off, to stop the secret meetings and just go back the way we were, but I can't. He needs me; he needs this, whatever this is. So I'll put up with it and keep my feelings for him to myself. That's how I know I'm in love with him.

The shower is now off and I hear the bathroom door open. I pretend I'm asleep as he tiptoes out my front door. God I want to jump up and grab him. Tell him not to leave, beg him to stay. To stay the night, to stay with me because I love him! But I don't. I can't. I hear the door close and in the dead of night he slips away. The same way the tears slip from my eyes every time he leaves and my heart breaks a little bit more.

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	2. The agreement part 2

**Chapter 2:** **The Agreement, part 2**

I collapsed into a heap next to Spencer, staying only a moment to catch my breath and let the effects of my orgasm ease. Then, like always, I quickly got up and headed for the shower.

Hoping in, I started to wash his scent off me. I wasn't showering because I was ashamed of being with him. In fact, I loved being with him. His touch sends shivers through my whole body and sets my skin on fire. The moment our lips touch I lose all ability to think, which gives us the freedom of unbridled sex. He makes me happier then I have ever been.

I just knew that if I tried to leave with his scent on me, I couldn't leave; I wouldn't leave! Why do I keep doing this? Every time it happens I ask the same question. The first time I was with him we were drunk and maybe, just maybe, that is why I let my heart lead the way instead of my head. I had given in to my feelings long ago to the fact that I was in love with Spencer. But I knew that he would never want me. So I hid my feelings behind the tough exterior I had been carrying around most of my life. So that first time, I told him we will never speak of it again. Then I left.

The second time was about three weeks later. He had been taken by a mad man and by the time we got there Spencer was hurt, hurt badly. When he got out of hospital, I was waiting for him at his door. I just wanted to tell him I was glad he was ok and to comfort him. Instead I took him in my arms and then to his bed. Again I went straight to the shower, when I came out I could see him looking at me. He wanted an explanation; all I could say to him was that this must be our way to get rid of our frustration towards each other. He accepted this and we agreed this most likely would happen again. So we decided that we'd let it. We would have sex with no strings attached.

Now six months later we're still at it, with secret meetings and everything. I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with Spencer over these months and each time it's getting harder and harder not to tell him how I feel.

I get out of the shower and dress. I then open the bathroom door and tiptoe quietly out of the apartment. As I go past the bed I can see he has gone back to sleep. I don't stop to look at him; I know if I do I will break. As I open his door to leave, I want him to grab me. To tell me not to leave, to beg me to stay with him; that he loved me. But I know that is never going to happen. Because to Spencer, this is all about sex and as long as I can handle it, I'll take whatever I can get.

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	3. Lassiter slips up part 1

**Warnings:**** Sex scene ahead, it's not too graphic but just wanted to let you know before you go ahead and read it.**

**Chapter 3:** **Lassiter Slips Up, part 1**

We had barely entered my apartment before he was all over me. For some reason, this time was different from all the other times. Maybe it's because I had been avoiding him and he had not seen me for just over a week. Whatever it was, his touches were rough and felt desperate. He clawed at my clothes hungrily, ripping them from my body.

"Lassie!" I gasped as his mouth took control of mine. Then I was gone, my whole body was giving away to him. I could only let out gasps and groans as his mouth roamed over every inch of my body. As he returned to my neck he breathed my name, begging for us to go to my bed.

I started to push him away and I realised that somehow he had removed both our clothes. We were standing up against my front door, naked. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me back to him. He then placed his hands on my ass and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he carried me to the bedroom.

Once there, he laid me down and again began to assault my body with his lips. Slowly first, moving down my neck, across my chest and over my stomach.

"Carlton!" I gasped as he took my hard member into his mouth. He worked on me for longer than I could ever remember, stopping just before I climaxed, and then starting again. I felt like I had been in heaven for an eternity when he allowed me to come. As I did, I didn't need to hold back the urge to cry out that I love him, as the release was so great I just couldn't speak. After he had cleaned me up, he worked his way back up to my mouth.

As he moved, he positioned himself between my legs. I felt his mouth on my neck as he entered me. Unlike all the other times where he moved fast to get it over and done with, this time he was slow and gentle. He was treating me like I would break if he went any faster. With the sensation it was giving me, I was sure we were making love, not just having sex.

His hot breath and the moans that touched my neck had quickly gotten me hard again. His hands wondered all over my body, finely one settled around my member again. Stroking me in time! We came at the same time. I cried out his name again and into my neck he cried mine. He collapsed on top of me and then out of the blue he cried.

"God, Shawn... I love you."

He must have realised what he said, for his body stiffened for a moment. Then he was gone, straight into the shower leaving me lying on the bed alone with those words ringing in my ears. This time I did not pretend I was asleep. This time I waited on the edge of my bed for him to return.

He finished and come out naked as his clothes were still at my front door. He looked at me, our eyes meet and I could see mixed emotions in his. They gleamed with a mixture of guilt, shame, fear and, right at the back, the one I wanted to see, love. He dropped his eyes and turned to head out of the room.

"No! Don't leave, please stay. I love you, too," I cried, grabbing his arms.

He turned, eyes wide open. Then he grabbed me back, pulling us into a tight embrace. As we climbed back into the bed, he told me that every time he left, he hoped that one day I would say those words to him. Now I have and he will never leave again.

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	4. Lassiter's slip up part 2

**Chapter 4:** **Lassiter's Slip Up, part 2**

We had barely entered Spencer's apartment before I was all over him. I hadn't seen him for over a week and was starting to think that he was avoiding me. For some reason this made me want him even more than before. I needed to touch him and feel him against me. I know my touches were rough and I was sure he could feel how desperate they were. I clawed at his clothes, hungrily ripping them from his body. They were a barrier stopping me from touching his silky soft skin. The skin that electrified my own!

"Lassie" he gasped, as I covered his mouth with mine, taking control. The truth was I was not in control. Lust had taken over at the moment I saw him at the station. Then when I felt him melt into my arms I knew he was totally mine. His gasps and groans as my mouth roamed over every inch of his body pushed me over the edge. The need to have him, to make our bodies' one, grew too much for me.

"Shawn!" I breathed into his neck, begging for us to go to his bed.

He started to push me away and then stopped. That is when I realised that somehow I had managed to remove our clothes and we were standing there, up against his front door, naked. I grabbed his wrists and pulled him back to me. Grabbing his ass, I lifted him up. He wrapped his legs around my waist and I carried him to the bedroom.

Once there I laid him down and again I began to assault his body with my lips. I started slowly, I wanted to saver every moment. I moved down his neck, across his chest and gently down his stomach.

"Carlton!" he cried as I took his hard love member into my mouth. I took my time licking, tasting, every bit of him, stopping just before he climaxed just so I could hear his moans. When I felt he could take no more I allowed him to come. I watched him the whole time. I could see the release was so great that he was lost for words. After I had cleaned him up, I worked my way slowly back up to his mouth.

I positioned myself between his legs. By the time I reached his mouth, I was so desperate to be inside him. My lips once again found his neck as I slowly entered him. I moan into his neck at the feeling. I don't know why but I wanted this time to be different than all the other times, times when I rushed to get it over and done with. This time I was slow and gentle with him. I could feel that Shawn was really enjoying the sensation with the way he was moving. I then realised that I was making love to him, it was not just sex any more.

I could feel him getting hard again. So I moved my hands over his body, finely sliding one hand between us, clasping his member. I started to stroke him in time with my own movements. It didn't take too long after that and we both came. I cried out his name again and I felt his lips against my neck as he cried out my name, too. I collapsed onto a heap on top of him, and in the after effect, not thinking, I cried out.

"God, Shawn, I love you."

I realise, a second too late, that I had said it and I froze for a moment. I waited for a few seconds to see if he'd say anything but he didn't. I got up and headed straight to the shower, leaving him just laying there.

While in the shower the words echoed in my ears. I hung my head, shaking it slowly.

"Oh, God, what have I done? What the hell is Spencer going to say?"

I finished and came out naked, as I remembered that our cloths were still at his front door. He was sitting on the end of his bed, looking at me. Our eyes meet as I lifted up my head and I could see mixed emotions in his. They were not what I expected. There was a mixture of fear, confusion, love and hope. He just sat there and said nothing so I turned to leave.

As I took a step away I heard a cry come from behind me.

"No! Don't leave, please stay. I love you, too." he screamed, grabbing my arm.

I turned back around, my eyes were wide opened. He said it, he really said it. I grabbed him, pulling us back into a tight embrace as we got back into bed together. I whispered into his ear that every time I had left before, I hoped that one day he would say those words to me. Now he has and I will never leave again.

And I will keep this promise. I love him too much, not to.

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	5. The morning after part 1

**Warnings:**** Attempted suicide and mention of rape**

**Chapter 5:** **The Morning After, part 1**

I stretched out the sleepiness I felt and reached over to the other side the bed. It was empty, so I rolled over the other way and it was empty, too. No, I thought, he promised, he promised to stay. I sat up and listened to see if he was in the shower or toilet, but nothing. I hung my head and my body started to shiver, both with being cold and the tears that had started to fall.

Why? Why did he lie? Why did he say he loved me and that he would stay, if he had all intentions of leaving? Why? Shaking my head, I ran through the images from last night. I wanted to see if I could find anything that showed that he was lying to me. Nothing! I slowly got up looking at myself in the mirror.

_'Look at yourself, of course he doesn't love you, doesn't want you. You're nothing but a lying bastard. A fool and a cheat! You're not anything worth looking at, just worth a good screw and probably not even any good at that either.' _

I could not help my thoughts. They just flowed through my head.

_'A fool, that's what you are. A bloody fool! Why don't you just get out of here? Yes that's it, run; run away.' _

With that I started to pack up my backpack. I decided to only take what I needed. After I get far enough way I can give Gus a call. I can get him to put the rest of my things into storage for me.

Once packed, I went to take a shower. I needed to get the feel of Lassie off of me. Right now I felt the same way I did when I was raped, and the need to get clean had overwhelmed me. I stood there with the water running over me, scrubbing as hard as I could. But it didn't work; I could still feel his touches, kisses and most of all, him, inside me. I slowly slid down the shower wall, crying like a baby. I could not wash off what I didn't want to or forget what I wanted to remember.

As I looked up out of the shower, I saw my way out. It's a way I've tried before, but never succeeded at. As I pulled the razor blade over my wrists, I felt no pain, no regret. The only thing I felt, was the blood running out and the darkness taking over me. Just as I blacked out, I'm sure I heard him calling my name.

"Shawn!"

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	6. The morning after part 2

**Warnings:**** Attempted suicide**

**Chapter 6:** **The Morning After - part 2**

I stretched as I woke up. Looking at the clock I could see that it was five thirty, the. Same time I always wake up. Only this time I was not tense, wanting to jump out of bed and start the day at the firing range. Instead I was rested, something I haven't been in years. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, lying in the arms of this wonderful man beside me. Unfortunately the need to go to the toilet was too strong, so as quietly and carefully as I could, I crept out of bed to go.

As I walked back into the room, I stopped and looked at Shawn as he slept. He looked like an angel with the way his hair was tossed and the afterglow shining off his body from our late night activities. I am so glad I told him that I loved him. Now I want to do was something special for him. I made my way to the kitchen, not surprised to find that the only items in his cupboards were high sugar breakfast cereals and bottles of pineapple juice. His fridge was no better, with a half eaten pineapple, a bottle of pineapple juice and milk.

I decided to go to the nearby cafe and get some breakfast for us both. I quickly dressed and headed out the door. I had no plans to be any longer than need be. I wasn't worried that Shawn would wake up and miss me; after all we were always hearing how he never gets out of bed earlier than ten.

The cafe was only five minutes away so I walked there. It was a quaint place and not too busy, which I was grateful for. I placed my order for two servings of bacon, sausage and eggs.

"Do you want coffee with that?" the waitress asked.

I could not remember seeing any at Shawn's. "Yes, please, one with three sugars and four creams and the other..."

It was then that I realised I didn't know how Shawn liked his. Thinking for a moment I then asked, "Do you have a regular customer by the name of Shawn Spencer by any chance"?

"Yes, we do."

"Well, the other meal is for him and by any chance do you know how he likes his coffee?"

"Yes, I do."

Once she had put in my order, she returned to talk to me. "So how do you know Shawn?"

I didn't know how to answer that. I didn't know who or how many people knew that Shawn was gay and I didn't want to 'out' him. But the look on my face must have told her what she wanted to know.

"Ok! So let's try how long have you two been together."

The question stopped me. How long had we been together? Do we class last night as being the answer or do I reply six months. I made up my mind in an instant.

"Six months."

The cook called her away and when she returned she had my order.

"I guess we won't be seeing Shawn in here early in the morning anymore," she stated as she handed me my food.

"What?"

"Shawn, he's usually here about six every morning for breakfast.

"Oh? Thanks for the food," I mumbled as I left.

The thought that Shawn gets up early, never entered my mind. Looking at my watch I saw it was six thirty and that means that Shawn could be awake.

"Oh my God and I left without a note telling him I'll be back." I hurried home.

As I entered the apartment I could hear the shower running.

'Dam-it, he's awake' I thought. I quickly put the food onto a few plates and put them on the table. I slowly slipped into the bathroom to surprise him. Only what I saw nearly killed me. There on the floor of the shower was Shawn's lifeless body. The blood from the wounds was still running freely.

"Shawn!" I yelled.

Running to him, I shut off the shower, grabbed the nearby towels and wrapped them around his wrists. Then I called 911.

It felt like an eternity from the moment I called, till the ambulance arrived and the trip to the hospital. The whole time I prayed, begged, for Shawn to hold on, to stay with me. As I waited in the waiting room I called O'Hara, she in turn rang Gus, who rang Henry. Now they were all standing in front of me waiting for me to tell them what had happen.

What did happen? I have been asking myself that same question and not been able to find an answer. I thought he was happy to be with me. He said he loved me and he never wanted to leave me or me to leave him. So what went wrong! Why had he tried to kill himself and why was there a backpack full of his clothes next to his helmet near the front door. Was he going to leave? Was he disgusted to be with me? Or did... he, Oh God, when he woke up and I wasn't there did he think I had left him again. Oh God is he that in love with me, he couldn't think of living without me.

"Oh God,... NO! NO! NO!"

"Carlton."

A voice broke through my thoughts.

"Please, Carlton, tell us what happened."

It was Juliet; I stood, staring them in the face.

"Shawn... Shawn tried to kill himself and I think it's my fault."

Before I could react Henry grabbed me by my shirt, slamming me back into the wall. All I heard as I blacked out was Henry yelling at me.

"What the hell did you do to my boy?"

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	7. A father's fury

**Chapter 7:**** A Father's Fury**

I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. 'Waiting room' was certainly was the right name for it. It has been about half an hour since I slammed Lassiter into the wall, knocking him out. It was a stupid, stupid thing to do and now we have no way of knowing what had happened to Shawn. God, I'm stupid.

Shaking my head, I realise that I don't really remember how I got to the hospital. All I really remember was sitting at home, trying to work out what I was going to cook for dinner tonight as Shawn was coming over.

The phone rang and it was Gus. His voice was hesitant, as if he was trying to hold something back. I had heard this voice before, I recall, often when Shawn had convinced him to ring me with some type of excuse to get him from coming over.

I told Gus not to worry; I understand that he doesn't want to come over. That's when I could hear the tears. The ones he was trying to hold back.

"_Gus, what's happened?" _ I asked him. His reply shocked me to the core.

"_I... I don't really know, Mr Spencer. Juliet rang just said that Shawn's in hospital and we need to get there fast_.'

"_Gus... Are you driving?"_

"_Yes, I'm just pulling up in your driveway, now."_

With that, he hung up and a moment later I heard a knock on my door. Grabbing my coat, I walked over to the door and went outside. I remember nodding to Gus as we met, and then getting into his car. The drive to the hospital was quiet. I only asked once what O'Hara had said. He told me straight that Shawn was in hospital and we need to get there straight away and that Lassiter was with him.

After that, all I could think of was, why! Why was Lassiter with Shawn at that time of morning and I could not think of any reason...but one. When we arrived Juliet was just getting out of her car. I asked if she had heard anything more, but she just shook her head. Her eyes were red from crying.

We went up to the waiting room together, not talking. As we entered we saw Lassiter sitting by himself. With his head hung low, it looked like he was or had been crying. Juliet spoke first, asking him to tell us what had happened.

He stood looking straight into our faces. I was expecting him to say Shawn had been attacked by some mad man, robbed or been in an accident. But what he said put a knife through my heart. Shawn had tried to kill himself and that he thinks it was his fault. I'm sorry, but I lost it.

Shawn had tried to kill himself only once before and that was over a man he thought had loved him, but instead had hurt him, hurt him bad. And if Lassiter had hurt him like that bastard had, I was going to kill him. Before I could think, I grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him up against the wall.

"What the hell did you do to my son?" I yelled.

I felt Gus and Juliet grabbing at me, then I realised that Lassiter was not moving. As I let him go, he slid down the wall. Gus grabbed him, while Juliet went out to get help.

Now we are waiting to hear about both of them. God, I hope I didn't hurt Lassiter too badly; it's just that Shawn has been hurt so much before...that I...God, I wish the doctor would just come and tell us what is happening and that they're both ok.

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	8. Communication

**Warnings:**** Talk about rape and abuse.**

**Chapter 8:**** Communication**

Henry looked up just as Lassiter walked in through the door. His head was bandage and his gait was slow and unsteady. Henry stood up and walked over to him. He was anxious and was flexing his fists.

Lassiter watched Henry closely as he walked over to him. His eyes were on Henry's fists, but Lassiter stood as tall as he could. He was worried, worried at what Henry was going to do and worried about Shawn.

"Lassiter, I'm sorry I hit you. It's just when you said it was your fault I... I lost it. Sorry."

Lassiter was to say, a little shocked. He was sure Henry was going to tell him to get out, that he had no right to be there. Not to apologise to him.

"I'm sorry, too, Henry. I had just realised that Shawn might have done this because of me and... And I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry; I'm just not used to these feelings."

"What feeling, are you actually talking about?"

Lassiter looked Henry straight into the eyes, seeing a mixture of emotions reflected inside.

"I love him more then I have ever loved anyone before. More than my ex and more than life itself! When I walked in and found Shawn on the floor of his shower it nearly killed me."

"Did you two have a fight?"

"No! We... we have been having a 'relationship' for the last six months. It was suppose to have been sex, no strings attached. But I fell for Shawn and he fell for me. Last night we finely let our feelings be known to each other and I promised him I'd never leave him. All the other times after we had been together I had just gotten up, showered and left."

"So what happened last night?" asked Gus

"After we confessed our feelings for each other, I told Shawn I'd never leave him. This morning I ducked out to get breakfast, thinking that he'll probably sleep in. While I was out, I found out that Shawn used to go to the cafe I was in around six every morning and it was already six thirty. I rushed back but Shawn... Shawn was already in the shower. I guess he thought I had lied to him and left."

"I'm sorry, Lassiter. I thought that maybe you had hurt him like that bastard had years ago."

"Do you mean Tommy, Mr Spencer?"

"Yes, Gus, I mean Tommy."

"Tommy?" Lassiter and Jules said together

"Tommy Turner, he was Shawn's first boyfriend. I could see that he was hurting Shawn, the bruises and black eyes. But Shawn was so sure that he loved Tommy and that Tommy loved him, he would never leave him."

"What ended up happening?"

It was Gus who now answered Lassiter's question this time.

"One night Shawn was supposed to meet me at the movies. He never showed up; I went and got Mr. Spencer when I couldn't get Shawn on the phone."

"When we got there, Shawn was a bloody mess on the floor and the bastard had raped him." added Henry

"He thought that Shawn and I were more than friends."

"When Shawn awoke up I convinced him to report the attack. He just couldn't handle the pressure and he tried to kill himself."

"I'm so sorry, Henry, Guster. I never knew."

"It's ok, Lassiter. I knew Shawn had gotten himself into another relationship but when he wouldn't talk about it, I got the wrong idea. Then, when you said that it was your fault and you had been at his place at that time of morning, I put two and two together and saw red. I'm sorry I didn't stop and listened to you first."

"Its fine, I think I would have done the same thing if it was my child. Let's just agree that, right now, Shawn is who we should be concentrating on, ok?"

Lassiter put his hand out in front of him but Henry just stared at it. He looked up at Lassiter and saw the love that he had for his son so he reached out and took Lassiter's hand and shook it.

"Right, Shawn first, then we talk."

Just then a doctor entered the room looking at a chart.

"Is Mr. Shawn Spencer's family here?"

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	9. Getting news

**Author's Notes:**** This chapter is short but a longer one is on its way.**

**Chapter 9:** **Getting news**

Henry stared at the doctor who had just entered the waiting room.

"Mr. Shawn Spencer's family, are you here?"

"Yes! Yes that's us," Henry said as he indicated everyone in the room with a sweep of his arm.

"And you are?"

"His father, Henry Spencer, and you are?"

"I am Doctor Trent. I am the doctor who is treating your son. Would you prefer to speak with me in private?"

"Why? These people are his family. Gus there is his brother and Jules is his sister. Lassiter is his boyfriend, and I don't keep anything from them," Henry said in a stern voice, causing the doctor to swallow.

"What Henry meant to say doctor, is what do you have for us?" Lassiter asked, all the while watching Henry's reaction.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Spencer, I meant no disrespect. Your son, Shawn, came in with self inflicted wounds to his wrists. He had lost a lot of blood, but we have managed to stop the bleeding and stitched up the wounds. Unfortunately that is all we can do without consent."

"What do you need from me?"

"As I said, he has lost a lot of blood and he needs a blood transfusion. We need you to sign the consent form so we can go ahead and begin."

"Ok, give me the forms."

The doctor produced the forms and Henry started to read over them. Lassiter's face had gone white while the doctor described Shawn's injures. He then sat down in the far corner of the room. Jules walked over to him but said nothing; she just sat down beside him and put her hand onto his shoulder.

"Doctor, when will we be able to see him?" Gus asked from his position by the door.

"Once we start the transfusion I will come back in and get you, but there will be only one person at a time allowed in."

"We understand," Henry said as he handed back the forms, but he was looking directly at Lassiter. After the doctor left a silence fell onto the waiting room. Henry sat at one end of the chairs, with Gus and Jules in the middle and then Lassiter at the other end. Suddenly Lassiter got up and walked to the door. As he went to walk through it, he stopped and turned around to face the other three.

"I...I shouldn't be here. I've got no right to be here. I'm sorry, Mr. Spencer. This is my fault and..."

"Sit down," Henry said.

"No I don't..."

Henry glared at him. "I said, sit down. Now, Detective...! If you truly love Shawn, you will sit down and wait with us."

"But it's..."

Henry got up and walked over to him. Looking Lassiter in the eyes, Henry could see how the stress of this whole situation was affecting the detective. "Lassiter...Carlton if I didn't want you here, I would have told you to go. But you love Shawn, and I'm sure he loves you. So you need to stay here with us, but you also need to get some sleep, ok."

"Yes sir."

As Henry walked Lassiter back to his seat, he had to quickly grab Lassiter as he collapsed to the floor from exhaustion.

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	10. Lassiter freaks out

**Chapter 10:** **Lassiter freaks out**

Lassiter woke up and looked around the white room with confusion. What was he doing here and where was...here?

"I see you're awake now." The sound of Henry Spencer's voice came to him.

Lassiter looked over to where the voice was coming from and saw another bed behind Henry. Laying on it was Spencer. Lassiter was suddenly hit with a wave of nausea, as the realisation hit him as to what had happened and why he was there came flooding back. Feeling sick to the stomach Lassiter lay back onto the pillow. But all this did was make the room spin.

"I'm going to be..." was all he got to say before the word became actions. A nurse who was standing there quickly gave him a bowl to use, while she ducked out to get the doctor. While she was gone Henry had walked up to him and slowly rubbed his back.

"Easy there, Detective, it's going to be ok!"

Lassiter's stomach started to settle down and he leaned back onto the bed pillow again. He turned his head and looked at Henry, trying to work out what was going on and why he was being so nice. After all, if Lassiter hadn't left the apartment, Shawn wouldn't have tried to kill himself.

"Why am I in the same room as Spencer?" Lassiter asked, as he really felt he had no right to be there.

"Because, I asked for them to put you in here, it's easier for us all to be able to keep an eye on you both at the same time. You are Shawn's boyfriend after all, right?"

"Yes! But...! Shawn's here because of me."

"Lassiter...Carlton...! Shawn is here, yes, but it's not all your fault. Yes you left the apartment, but anyone who knows Shawn, would have done the same for the same reason. I mean who in their right mind, would have thought that Shawn would be up at that time of the morning. But Shawn also has a lot of problems, and they come from his past, as well as..."

"Dad...?"

A very groggy voice broke into Henry's speech. Both Henry and Lassiter looked over to where Shawn was laying. Shawn in turn was looking at them with curious eyes.

"Shawn! You're awake!" the men exclaimed, just as the doctor and nurse walked back in. The doctor looked to both men in turn and then he turned to the nurse.

"Nurse, get Detective Lassiter cleaned up while I'm examining Mr. Spencer, please."

The nurse nodded at the doctor and then walked over to Lassiter; as she passed the door she grabbed a wheelchair. "Ok, Detective, let's get you in to the shower while I change your bedding."

Lassiter looked over to Shawn, down to his hands, then back to the nurse. He nodded and climbs down off the bed with her help and into the chair. Lassiter couldn't believe how weak he felt. As she wheeled him to the bathroom he refused to look at Shawn.

"Now, Mr Spencer...What the...?"

A noise from the bathroom had both the doctor and Henry heading that way. As they reached the door and looked in, there on the floor of the shower, wrapped up into a tight ball was Lassiter. He was shaking, and what they could see of his face, it was pure panic. His eyes were darting all around and his face was screwed up in fear.

"Blood... blood everywhere! Oh god, Shawn, what have you done. I've got to stop the bleeding." Lassiter kept repeating the phrase over and over. The nurse just had a shocked look on her face as she watched from the corner of the room, she had been pushed into.

"Nurse, what happened?"

"I just went to put him into the shower and he suddenly went into a panic mode. He pushed me over to here, then he just got down and tried to...like he was helping someone, then he wrapped himself up like this."

"It's ok, nurse. Detective Lassiter...?"

"What going on?"

"Shawn, you shouldn't be out of bed." his dad barked. But he could see that Shawn had already seen Lassiter and the look on Shawn's face was fear, at the sight.

"Shawn, Lassiter is having a...?"

"Carlton?"

Shawn just pushed his way past everyone and entered the bathroom. Kneeling down beside Lassiter he placed his hand on his head.

"Carlton, please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I did this to you. Please look at me."

Tears started to fall down Shawn's face, and then onto Lassiter. Lassiter looked up at Shawn with frighten eyes, but when they saw Shawn's, they softened.

"Shawn? Shawn, you're ok?"

"Yes, Lassie, thanks to you. Now come on, you get up and have a shower while the doctor looks me over and then we'll get some help for both of us!"

Lassiter looked around at the rest of the people in the room and nodded. He slowly got up with Shawn's help and then looked at the nurse.

"Sorry I pushed you, but..."

"I understand, don't worry. Now Detective Lassiter, how about that shower?"

"Ok." Lassiter looked at Shawn and smiled, then hopped into the shower.

"You stay with him and I'll get someone else to change the bed. Mr Spencer, back to your bed, now, please."

Shawn headed back out of the bathroom and back to his bed. After he was settled and while the doctor examined him, he never took his eyes off the bathroom door.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	11. Hidden past and failure

**Chapter 11:** **Hidden Past and Failure**

Shawn sat there looking at the door; he was worried, very worried. It had been two weeks since that day. That day he tried to kill himself, and now, here he was outside the door of a counsellor. Inside, just behind that door was Lassiter. God knows how he was coping, Shawn had been through counselling before, plus he had lived with his mum.

Lassie had never seen a counsellor, never, and this was going to be a blow to his ego for sure. But that wasn't what Shawn was worried about. He was worried that once Lassiter opened up he might not be able to stop, and what secrets could Lassiter have that just might end his career.

Meanwhile, Lassiter sat in the office looking at the counsellor. She was a tall, thin, dark skinned woman. Her hair was dark brown and reached down past the chair she was sitting in, since it was tied up on her head in a pony tail, he assumed that it was even longer than that.

She held a folder and she was reading whatever was in it. Lassiter was nervous; he had never been this nervous before, not even when he first started to see Spencer.

"Detective Lassiter..."

Her voice was soft and gentle, something Lassiter was not expecting.

"Yes!" Lassiter sat up straight, crossed his legs in a defensive mode. He had no plans on letting her in. He'd had enough of Spencer psyching him out, by always telling him how he felt and what he was thinking. Adding to his defence mode, he crossed his arms as well.

He saw her write something in the file. This worried Lassiter as he hadn't said anything yet. "Detective, I'm Dr. Lake and you are here for two reasons. The first one is that you are to see me on your own, to help work out why you had the panic attack at the hospital. The second will be with Mr Spencer. It is to help him, and yourself, to understand why he tried to kill himself."

Lassiter flinched when she said _'tried to kill himself'. _The thought that Shawn tried to kill himself because of him, still made his stomach churn.

"Hmm," again she wrote something. But this time, she smiled at him. "Detective, today you're here to see if you are ready to go back to work. What do you think?"

"I was ready two weeks ago, this is ridiculous. I don't understand how falling over in the shower caused me to end up here."

"Detective, you didn't just fall over, you had a panic attack. Do you know what a panic attack is?"

"Not really," he whispered.

"It's when you have a physical reaction to something, in your case you went into the shower and...?"

"And I saw Spencer on the floor and I tried to help him, even though he wasn't there."

"Right, why do you think that happened?"

Lassiter looked at her. He could see what she was doing, but he didn't care. He was too tired. Tired of the life he led, and tired of fighting everything that was him.

"I...Shawn was in the shower when...when I found him! We had only just got together, officially that night and...and I was scared. When we went into the shower at the hospital, I guess I just saw Shawn again. But, when I got down to Shawn to help him, he wasn't there. I thought I had failed him."

"Detective, has this ever happened to you before?"

"What, someone trying to kill themselves or me failing?"

"Both?"

"I have been a failure all my life. I failed my parents because I was a boy, so much so that my father left us. Then I failed my mother by becoming a cop, not a doctor. I failed my wife; I failed her as a husband and I failed Tom." Lassiter said not really thinking about what he was saying.

"Who is Tom?" she said as she raised her head to look at him. The Doctor knew it wasn't a relative of Lassiter and there was no note about a person named Tom.

Lassiter looked at her, shocked. It wasn't someone he often spoke about and, maybe, someone he didn't want to talk about. But Lassiter lowered his head and continued anyway; after all he had let the cat out of the bag now. "He was my first and only male lover, before Spencer."

"How did you fail him?" she asked in a soft voice

"Oh, god, how, I failed them! I failed him by letting him kill himself. He...he killed himself the same way as Shawn had tried, only... I didn't know what to do back then, and I couldn't save him." Lassiter broke down; putting his head into his hands he let the tears fall.

The Dr. Lake just sat there and let him go as she wrote in the file. After five minutes she gave Lassiter a tissue and then sat down again. After a few more minutes she continued. "Feeling a bit better?"

"A bit, sorry about that," Lassiter said in a flat tone. By the time Lassiter had finished saying this, he was back to his old self, posture and all. Noting this, she again wrote in the file.

"Have you ever talked to anyone about this?"

Lassiter had found his strength returning, as well as his will power.

"Talked to someone about, what, Doctor Lake?"

Dr. Lake was confused by Lassiter's sudden change in mood.

"About Tom and how you feel like you have failed everyone?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about."

"I see, ok. Well your time is about up. I need you to stay in the waiting room while I see Mr. Spencer, then I will see you two together. Ok?"

"Fine, when do you think I could get back to work?"

"I'm not sure. I have to review the tapes of this session, and I will send in my recommendations to your chief. Detective Lassiter, if I do allow you to go back to work, there will be strict rules and if you break them, well..."

"I understand, thank you."

They walked out and Shawn stood up. He could see the redness around Lassiter's eyes and the marks the tears had made on his shirt. The pain in Shawn's heart hurt and he was angry. Angry that he hurt Lassiter like he did, and that he had to go through this, and angry that she had brought his Lassie to tears.

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	12. Shawn's first session

**Chapter 12****: Shawn's Turn**

Shawn had taken the chair that he had decided to use and placed it in the corner nearest to the window. He then sat down, looking out over the car park. The truth was he was using the reflection in the window to watch the counsellor and her reaction to his behaviour as much as she was watching him.

"Are you comfortable enough over there, Mr. Spencer?" Dr. Lake inquired.

"Yes, thank you," he said as he watched her take her chair and place it on the other side of the desk so she would be looking at him.

Shawn took this opportunity to take a quick glance around the office. He noticed all the framed diplomas hanging on her wall and that she didn't have much on her desk. What she did have wasn't anything that someone could get hold of and use it as a weapon to hurt her. The desk itself was placed in the middle of the room, with a couch off to one side.

Then Shawn took a closer look at the counsellor, herself. She was a slender woman, with dark tanned skin and dark brown hair done up in a pony tail on top of her head, which, if it was undone, would most likely reach the floor. But what really got Shawn about her was the dark brown eyes staring straight at him.

"Mr Spencer," she began as she started to look through the file before her.

"Shawn!"

"Sorry?"

"I said, Shawn!" Shawn said with a bit of a bite in his tone.

"Ok! Shawn, is that better?"

"Yes."

"Shawn, I'm Dr. Lake and do you know why you are here?"

"You tell me," Shawn said shrugging his shoulders.

"Ok, let's try this. Why do you think Detective Lassiter was here?" 

"Because of me," Shawn whispered.

"Why, because of you? What did you do to cause him to be here?"

"Because...because I tried to kill myself and he blamed himself for me doing it," Shawn said gazing out the window.

"And did you do it because of him?"

"No, I was going to leave, run again. When I went into the bathroom I, I just, I just saw the razor and thought to myself this way would be better. He didn't want me, nobody wants me. Not my mum or dad, not even my best buddy would want me so why live when you have nothing."

"Why do you think no one wants you?"

"Mum left when I was young, because she never wanted me and before you say I'm wrong, here's the proof." Shawn held out a tattered old envelope.

The counsellor opened it and took out the letter inside and read it.

_Dear Shawn,_

_I may be your biological parent, but I have never felt like a mother to you._

_I cannot for some reason find the love for you that should be there._

_If it wasn't for your father, I would have aborted my pregnancy and you would have never been born. I am sorry for this and I ask you to please never contact me again._

_Yours sincerely, _

_Dr. Madeline Spencer._

Looking at Shawn over the top of the letter, she watched him closely. Here before her was a young man who has been rejected by one of the two people who should be there for him as long as they could be, instead Shawn's mother had kicked him in the guts so badly that he carries the letter of rejection with him. Yet, this report stipulates that Shawn had only attempted to kill himself twice; this time and one other, and both had been because of a relationship. The first one was destructive and this one, which was a misunderstanding.

"Shawn, how long have you had this letter, and why did your mother send it to you?"

"I tried to get hold of her when I was in New York, that was about fifteen years ago. I haven't seen or heard from her since."

"You say nobody wants you, not even your dad or best friend, that can't be true can it?"

"No," Shawn's voice had become flat, with no emotion in it.

"Then why say it?"

"Because it's what you want to hear," Shawn said looking up at the clouds. 

"What do you mean, what I want to hear?" the doctor asked a bit surprised by his answer.

"You want to hear why I tried to kill myself, so what is the best reason for doing it? If I believe everyone hates me and doesn't wants me, well that makes a good reason, doesn't it?"

"Oh, you're trying to give me what I want so I'll just leave you alone; is that it?"

"Yes."

"Shawn, I want you to get better, so that you don't need to come to me. But the only way this is going to work is if you can be honest with yourself and why you did it."

"Why, why would I slit my wrists?" Shawn asked as he stood up. His face had become red with anger and his voice started to increase with each word spoken. "I slit them because I wanted to hurt him; I wanted him to understand how much it took for me to say those words to him and how much they meant. I'm tired, tired of always playing the clown. I just wanted someone I could just be me, around. Someone I could go to bed with and hold them tight and have then there in the morning, not sneaking away in the middle of the night as if they're ashamed of being with me."

Shawn's energy now spent, he sat back down in his chair. Placing his head in his hands he added, "I thought Lassiter was the one I could have all that with and more. When he was gone, when I woke up that morning, I just thought it was like all the other times. That he really didn't want me and he had just left."

"Shawn, are you ok?"

"Yes, sorry about that, I just, I just guess I needed to let that all out didn't I" he said slightly panting.

"I guess so, and you didn't need to apologise, that's what I'm here for. Shawn, how would you normally handle stuff like this?"

"Normally, I wouldn't, I'd just get on my bike and ride."

"Ride Shawn, where would you ride to?"

"Didn't matter; wherever I ended up is where I'd stayed for a while, then I'd just move on."

"So you'd cope by running, is that it?"

"Yes, and I was going to run this time, had my bags packed and everything." Shawn laughed.

"So why didn't you just run," she said shaking her head.

"Why did I slit my wrist instead of just running away, that's what you want to know isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Because I didn't want to just run away this time, I knew I wouldn't be able to run far enough away to forget him, so the only way out, if he didn't want me, was death. It was just, that plain and simple."

"It is never that plain and simple. There is your dad and best friend Gus. Your work and other friends, I think they were also part of your decision to stay, weren't they."

"No, they've never been enough to keep me here before, but they were another reason why I tried to kill myself. I just knew they would be better off without me," Shawn whispered.

"Ok, Shawn I think we made progress today. Now I want you to go outside, get something to eat and drink, and we will meet back here in an hour with Detective Lassiter."

"Ok and, Dr. Lake, will we be talking about what happened just now?" Shawn asked as he started to rock back and forth on his feet, while looking down at the floor.

Dr. Lake noted that Shawn now looked like he was a small child, asking his mummy not to tell his daddy that he had done something wrong. "Only if you want to, otherwise we will be picking up from here when you come in for your next session, on your own."

"Ok and thank you," he said a bit sheepish.

Shawn walked out to find Lassiter still sitting in the chair. Giving him a smile, Shawn skipped over to him.

"Hey, you big delicious Irish coffee, how's about we go and get something to eat? Doc says we have an hour," Shawn said his eyes shining with love.

Holding back a smile, Lassiter just nodded his head and they walked away. Dr. Lake watched them leave and she hoped that their joint session goes just as good.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	13. A Step forward or a Step backwards

**Chapter 13:** **A Step Forward or a Step Backwards.**

About an hour later Dr. Lake's secretary entered to let her know that Shawn and Lassiter were back. She had spent the time going over the notes from the three files that lay on her desk. The first two were the personal information on Shawn and Lassiter for their individual sessions and the notes she had taken during these said sessions. The third one had just about the same information but it also included information on their relationship, both work and personal.

She looked up at her secretary and nodded. "Show them in, please."

"Yes, Dr. Lake." And the secretary left, only to return a few moments later with Shawn and Lassiter in tow. She nodded at the Doctor and then walked out closing the door behind her.

Doctor Lake watched the two men watching the secretary leave and shut the door. Lassiter just stared at the door for a moment, looked at Shawn and then shrugged his shoulders. Shawn on the other hand, looked at the closed door as if he was afraid it might not open again. Thinking about this, she wondered if Shawn might be claustrophobic or if something might have happened in his past. She put a note in his individual file to ask him about it later.

"Would you two like to sit down?" The two men looked at her as if they had forgotten she was there.

Lassiter just nodded and sat down. Shawn looked around for the chair he had used before. But while they were gone she had it removed leaving only two chairs. She did this for two reasons, one was to have them sit together and the other, was she wanted to see how Shawn would reacted to this.

It only took Shawn a second or two to see the chair was gone and so was the couch. The doctor watched in amusement as a look of confusion flashed across Shawn's face and then it was gone, replaced by a nervous smile, which he flashed her way. Seeing there was nowhere else to sit, he sat down in the chair beside Lassiter, who himself, was giving Shawn an annoyed look.

"Are you both comfortable?"

"Yes," replied both men.

"Good; let's start. Now, who wants to start and tell me how you two met?"

Lassiter let out a small grunt and Shawn looked away giving a small nervous laugh. Lassiter looked at him and shook his head. Looking back at the doctor he sighed to himself. He then raised his head up and started to talk.

"I was arresting him for murder, that's how we met."

"You were going to arrest him for murder, really?"

Shawn swang around to face Lassiter, the shock and hurt was evident on his face. "No, it wasn't," Shawn said a hint of anger

"Spencer, we had brought you in as a suspect in murder. You phoned in tips that seemed, to us, could have only come from someone with inside knowledge or had committed the crime themselves," Lassiter said without looking at Shawn.

Shawn slowly turned back to face the desk, his head hung down as he looked at the floor. "Oh, I thought it was when I was fifteen and dad introduced us when you first started at the station. Sorry."

"We did?" Lassiter said straggling to remember the event. "I, I do think I remember something about that, now that you mention it. You were the boy hand cuffed to your dad's desk, right?" Lassiter said looking at Shawn.

"Yeah, that was me. I had gone and taken dad's wallet and he was trying to get me to tell him were it was," Shawn answered shyly.

"Ok, I stand corrected, we met when Shawn said and not when I said it happened." When he looked back at Shawn, he was surprised to see shock on his lovers face. Concerned by this, he had to ask. "What, that is right isn't?"

Shawn nodded at him. "Yes, yes it is right, but, you agreed with me. Why?"

"Because you were right about when we first met, Shawn, that's why."

"Why do you find that surprising Shawn?" asked the doctor.

Shawn snapped his head towards her in surprise, as if he had again forgotten she was there.

"Because Lassie never listens to me, let alone admit that I was right on anything, that's why."

"And what is your response to that, Detective?" asked the doctor.

Lassiter looked shocked. He never realised, like Shawn thought, that he never listened to him. Yes, he did have trouble admitting that Shawn was right, but that was more his ego, than not actually believing in him.

"Spencer, I always listened to you and yes I did have problems with admitting that you were right, but it wasn't because I didn't believe in you. It was because you gave my ego a hit and I couldn't handle it. I had just failed in my marriage, had gotten into a loveless affair with my partner and then you walked in and was solving cases this way and that. Well, I felt I couldn't do anything right. I'm sorry; Spencer, but I took it out on you."

"Really, you're apologising to me, for real?" Shawn asked truly surprised by this admission.

"Of cause I am, Spencer. I love you and if for any reason I hurt you, I am truly sorry," Lassiter said reaching out and touching Shawn's arm.

Shawn couldn't handle this. This is not how someone who loves him reacts. They react with their fists, not with kind words. They show it by degrading him, not be willing to sit and talk about it. No, Shawn did not understand this type of love and it scared him. Pulling away from Lassiter Shawn stood up, staring at Lassiter with fear as he too stood up.

"No, no this isn't right. I tried to kill myself and you want to help me because you love me. Why aren't you shouting at me? Tell me how stupid I am, that I didn't do a good enough job. Why are you even here, Lassie?" Tears started to roll down Shawn's cheeks and he started to shake violently.

"You're not stupid, Shawn. Yes, you made a silly mistake, but so did I. I'm the one who left the apartment without letting you know where I was going and that I was coming back. So why aren't you yelling at me for my stupid mistake, for believing that you don't get up until late? And you did do a good enough job, Spencer; you've made me face a problem I have been hiding from. Something I should have faced a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I was a coward. And I'm here because I want to be here, Spencer. I love you and I want to help US, not just you and not just me, but us." Lassiter reached out and touched Shawn's arm, which Shawn reacted to as if he was a scared rabbit and flinched away.

Shawn's eyes wandered all over Lassiter, trying to work out if he was telling the truth or not. Then he snapped, not in anger, not as a mad man, but as Shawn. As he retreated back into his mind, the Shawn everyone had known started to show through. At first it was his eyes that started to shine, at first it was just a little glint of mischief, but soon it had grown into a fully blown shining glare. His mouth had caught up by this time and he was wearing the biggest grin that Lassiter had ever seen on him and he was now bouncing back and forth on his feet.

"You love me, you really do love me don't you, Lassie, and I love you too," Shawn said and as if he again forgotten where he was, Shawn pulled Lassiter into a kiss.

Lassiter, of course, did remember where they were and quickly peeled himself out of Shawn's embrace. He was embarrassed and you could see it, by the red colour of his cheeks.

"Spencer, why you..." You could hear the annoyance in Lassiter's voice but there was no anger.

The doctor watched as Shawn just let this reaction from Lassiter slide right past him, as if it never happened. And in turn, Lassiter had recomposed himself and had returned to his chair and sat down. Shawn then sat down on Lassiter's lap.

"What, Spencer, get off me," Lassiter shouted.

"Oh, sorry, Lassie, I didn't see you there," Shawn replied and then he got up and sat down in his own chair.

The rest of the session went smoothly as they went over the years leading up to the night when they first ended up in each other's arms. The only interruptions they had was Shawn occasionally putting his hand onto Lassiter knee and then Lassiter pushing it off.

"Ok, I think we are done for today and we will pick up from here next time. I would like to see you each, at least two more times before we have another joint session. So when you leave, go to my receptionist and get a new appointment before you go."

"Yes, Doctor," they said together.

"Jinx," Shawn called out to Lassiter and then he was out the door.

As Lassiter walked out he closed the door behind him and they both waited patiently for their next appointment and then walked out together. Lassiter watched as Shawn walked over to his bike and climbed on.

"Umm, Shawn, would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?" Lassiter asked his voice shaking a bit.

Shawn looked at him in surprise. "Why? We're not in her office any more, Lassie; you don't need to keep up the act anymore," Shawn said with a sad undertone in his voice.

Lassiter took three big strides to be by his side. His blue eyes were crystal clear as ice and his voice was calm and as strong as ever.

"Because, Spencer, I love you and I want us to start again, do this the right way. So I ask you again, Shawn, will you have dinner with me tonight?"

"Yes, Carlton, I would love to have dinner with you tonight."

"Then I'll pick you up at six, 'til then, Shawn." Lassiter leaned in and gave Shawn a kiss. He then returned to his car and climb in. As he drove past, he yelled to Shawn, "You do have a suit?"

"Yes, Lassie, I do," replied Shawn as he watched Lassiter drive away. Before putting on his helmet he looked up at the window of the doctor's office, saluted, put his helmet on and rode off. Shawn knew that he was running again, only this time it was in his head. He knew this was worse than when he ran physically, because this time it will eat at him from the inside out, but if this doctor was being honest with him, then maybe, just maybe, with her help and Lassiter he was going to be ok and he was going to survived this after all.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing**


	14. Doctor's review, Lassiter

**Chapter 14:** **Doctor's Review, Lassiter.**

The doctor sat with the three files open in front of her. It has now been six months since Shawn and Detective Lassiter had started their sessions. Today, she had to give her report on whether or not Lassiter could return to full duties and if Shawn was stable enough to restart work for the department. Since Lassiter was the least complicated one of the two, she started with him.

Once Detective Lassiter had opened up to her, it was like a dam bursting. His fears, his doubts and his insecurities came flowing out and by the end to the sessions Detective Lassiter was both physically and mentally drained. But on the other hand, he was making improvements. So much so that after their third meeting, she had allowed him to return to work on light duty, but work none the less. Now she needed to decide if he was ready to return to full duty and was stable enough to carry a gun and not be a danger to himself and other people.

They had covered his feelings about being a failure and where this feeling might come from. It turned out to extend back to his mother and how she had blamed him for his father's leaving them. She had told Lassiter at least five times a day as he grew up that he was a failure and he would never amount to anything. And when he left medical school to pursue a career in the police force, well, it was the last straw for her and she had let him know how disappointed she was. It was at this point in his life that Lassiter had decided that no matter what he did he would not care what anyone thought about him. Unfortunately, during his time in the academy, he had met Tom.

Tom was the only one Lassiter cared about enough about to let in. At first they were roommates at the academy and over the time they became friends. They had ended up being posted to the same station when they graduated and rented a flat together. Then one night Tom had come home all battered and bruised. It took a long time for Lassiter to find out what had happened, but Tom had finely broken down and told him that he was gay and he was in an abusive relationship that he couldn't get out of.

Lassiter was shocked and confused at this information, but he was also angry that someone could hurt his friend like this. But the look on his face must have been reflecting the anger emotion only, because Tom had pulled himself away from Lassiter and had begged him not to tell anyone and that he would resign from the force the next day. He then locked himself in his room, leaving a very bewildered Lassiter staring after him.

Lassiter had spent that night soul searching and realised that he was attracted to Tom and most likely had been for years. But because he had been deprived of the love factor in his childhood, he didn't recognise it until now. He waited until Tom emerged from his room the next morning and without a word, walked up to him, gave Tom a hug and then kissed him. He begged Tom not to go and that he would help him. He then said for the first time that he loved Tom.

Tom was shocked at first, but then confessed that he was in love with Lassiter too. They had managed to deal with Tom's boyfriend and then they had settled in as lovers and partners. Just after a year of being together, Lassiter was temporally transferred to another station. It was at this time that it had come out that Tom was gay and so did the hate and threats towards him. A little over a month later, Lassiter had come home to find Tom lying in a pool of his own blood in the shower. Lassiter didn't know what to do and he had panicked. By the time he had call for help it was too late, Tom was gone. What he had found out happened at the station while he was gone destroyed Detective Lassiter from the inside and it had then hardened into the man everyone knew as Head Detective Lassiter. He had gotten a transfer to Santa Barbara, met Victoria and married her only to advance his career. No longer did he care about what anyone said or thought about him. He only had one thing on his mind and that was to one day sit in a Chief's chair and be in control of his own station.

His view was so narrowed and focused on what he wanted that he failed to see what it was doing to his marriage until it was too late. But, because he was already hardened from all the years of not caring, when he felt the pull of guilt for what he had done to Victoria, he wasn't sure of want to do. And all he thought of was to try and win her back, which wasn't easy when you were having an affair with your partner and then in walked Shawn.

This strange and amazing man came waltzing into his life and turned it upside down. He was first brought in as a suspect in a murder scene, because he rang in information that only the killer or someone involved could know, only to walk out of the station with a job offer after revealing Lassiter's affair, which in turn, killed any chance he had with Victoria. It also convinced everyone that he was psychic.

Even though he blamed Shawn for ruining his marriage, he knew it wasn't worth chasing after and that it was over long before Shawn had turned up. He was just angry that Shawn had supplied the last nail in that coffin. As the years worn on he became angry with himself for letting this con artist get under his skin and for bringing feelings he thought were long dead, back to the surface. And because he didn't want to get hurt again by accepting what was happening, he took his temper out on the one person who was causing the problem, Shawn, and did what he could to keep him at bay. It was why, even tho they had become friends, he refused to call him Shawn, because Spencer always kept it informal.

But he could not help nor stop the waves of jealously as he watched Shawn flirt with O'Hara or when he walked in with his latest girlfriend. He was even jealous of Guster, because he was able to sit and talk to Shawn anytime he wanted to, and Shawn would be there for him whenever Guster needed him.

So when he got the chance to indirectly show Shawn how he felt, he jumped on it. They were only simple little things, like tell Shawn to 'not screw up' when he defended the girl accused of murdering the weather man. He knew with his heart, that she was innocent, but he couldn't prove it and that is why he left the Psych business card where she could find it. Once Shawn had done what he knew he could do, even if he still hadn't proven how he does it, he bailed out Shawn's bike as a thank you. But even then, he couldn't let Shawn know it was him for fear of what the consequences might be.

And then, when Lassiter had been accused of murder and Shawn told him that he believed he was innocent, that Lassiter had finely given in to his feelings. When Drimmer had them both in Lassiter's house and hinted that they could have been secret lovers, he thought he saw a look of longing in Shawn's eyes, but dismissed it as his own desires coming through.

Then that night happened, it wasn't too long after that, he was down and had decided to drown his sorrow. So his heart jumped with joy when he woke up in Shawn's arms the next morning. It was only short lived when Shawn started to apologise for what had happened and they had made the pact about never talking about it again. Then it happened again and again, but still out of fear of rejection Lassiter still hid his feelings. Until that night when he couldn't hold it back and in the heat of the moment he told Shawn he loved him. He was sure that was it that Shawn wouldn't want him anymore, but he did and confirmed it by begging him not to leave but to stay with him.

Then he had left to get some food the next morning, not realising that Shawn didn't sleep in late, but in fact got up early to have breakfast. But by the time he had gotten back to the flat Shawn had awoken and upon finding Lassiter gone, he had taken it the wrong way and Lassiter had found him in the shower, after he had slit his wrists, but this time, Lassiter knew what to do and it saved Shawn's life.

Unfortunately it had awoken the feelings of guilt, failure and had brought to the surfaces the memories of Tom and his suicide. So when Lassiter had entered the shower at the hospital, a mixture of memories of both Shawn and Tom hit him, causing the panic attack he had. With the therapy and support of Shawn, Lassiter has quite well recovered. After finishing reading the file, the Doctor started her report.

To

Chief Vick

Santa Barbara Police Department

I have completed my assessment of your Head Detective, one Mr. Carlton Lassiter. In my professional opinion Detective Lassiter has, with the help of therapy, recovered from his recent condition.

I see no reason for him to be kept on light duties and he is able to be fully reinstated in his current position of Head Detective.

I am recommending that he to be reassessed in a year's time, but this is just a follow up appointment and I view that no more will come from it.

I wish Detective Lassiter all the best for the future.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Jennet Lake.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing**


	15. Doctor's review, Shawn

**Chapter 15:** **Doctor's Review, Shawn.**

After finishing Lassiter's letter, Dr Lake reviewed Shawn's file. Shawn had been sent to her because he had tried to kill himself after he and Detective Lassiter had just admitted that they love each other. Detective Lassiter had made a mistake of leaving Shawn sleeping as went out to by food the next morning. Shawn woke up and thought that Detective Lassiter had lied to him. But instead of doing what he always does, which is run from his problems, he had decided to kill himself instead.

During the sessions, they had found that for a person who comes across as a very confident, Shawn was, in fact, very insecure. That insecurity extended from his childhood and that at a very young age, Shawn had learned to hide it.

He had grown up with an overpowering mother, who, because of her position as a psychologist, was consistently assessing Shawn, with everything he did. She also showed no love or any kind of connection to Shawn. After his father and mother divorced and she had moved away, Shawn tried to get in contact with her only to be rejected in a letter, which Shawn carries with him to this day.

Whereas, his father has stayed with him throughout his life, again the need of the words 'I love you' was never spoken and it is possible, that this could extend from his father's own childhood. Shawn had on several occasions, tried to separate the man he was talking about and his father, even though they were the same person, by referring to his father as Henry. I feel that Shawn uses this to separate the loving and nurturing man, from the one who was always trying to teach him something.

As an example, he explained that at one time he come down stairs on Christmas day to find his father crouched over something, with his back to him. He rose up and sat down on the couch and then Henry asked him to tell him what had happened that night. Shawn said he had explained that Santa had come down the chimney, sat on the couch and ate the milk and cookies that was left for him. He then went across and put the presents under the tree and then something had spooked Santa and he had climbed out the window. Henry had smiled at him and made a comment about him coming down the stairs earlier and then his father pointed out that Santa didn't have time to finish off putting his new bike together.

By Shawn, switching in between calling his father either 'Dad' or 'Henry', Shawn had found a way to keep the two views he has of his father separate. The only problem is that both Shawn and his father are very strong willed people and often clash over simple thing. I do believe that over the years, Shawn has learned that what his father was doing, he believed was the right thing for him at the time. But because Shawn has a lack of self worth, he truly believes that no matter what he does his father will never be proud of him. He will not take the first step towards trying to connect to his father.

I also found that due to his lack of self worth and confidence, Shawn has trouble having and keeping friends. In all session Shawn only referred to one person as a friend and that was a Mr. Burton Guster, to whom, he refers to as Gus. Gus has been a friend since childhood and is the only person who Shawn confides in. When asked why he thought he and Gus have stayed good friends all these years, his only response was that Gus didn't push him. When I asked him to elaborate, he explained that Gus lets him just be him. Gus doesn't expect or demand that Shawn to change and even though he knows what Shawn is doing might be dangerous or illegal, Gus was the one there to catch him.

In another session I asked him about is other suicide attempt and he looked scared. I was about to tell him that if he didn't feel ready we didn't need to go into it just then, but he started to tell me anyway. The boy's name was Tommy and he was Shawn's first boyfriend. Apparently, he was the abusive, jealous type and Shawn was often seen with bruises and black eyes. But because Shawn loved him, he would never leave or report Tommy.

One night, Shawn was supposed to meet Gus to see a movie but he never turned up, so Gus went and got Shawn's father. When they got to the apartment, they found Shawn in a bloody mess on the floor. Tommy had beaten and raped Shawn, and accused him, saying that his relationship with Gus was more than friends. When his father pushed him to report the attack, Shawn couldn't handle the pressure and he tried to kill himself. From this it was easy to see why Shawn had trouble staying in relationships. It was after this attempt, when Shawn started to run and somehow, he found an escape by not letting himself to fully grow up. Yes, he takes in the perks of an adult, such as having his bike licence. But with that said, his need to hide the real him is why he acts in such a childish way. After all everyone loves a child.

Shawn was happy with his life, but it all changed when he returned to Santa Barbara and met Detective Lassiter. Shawn said that with just about everyone he meets, he can work them out and find what makes them tick. He then uses this information to win them over or if they're going to hurt him, he just avoids them. But Lassiter was different; he just couldn't get anything off him.

Yes, he did see that he was having an affair and that for some reason he was hurting, but what was causing it, he couldn't work out and that made him curious about this cold hearted man. To protect himself, he chose Detective O'Hara to flirt with, because he knew she would never accept his advances. Over the years he had realised he had fallen hard for Detective Lassiter but he could not leave. He had tried, he had packed his bags, but failed to walk out the door and when Lassiter had bailed out his bike, he knew he was starting to get to the Detective.

He knew they were friends when Detective Lassiter came to him for help when he was accused of murder. Shawn said that he couldn't help but let a little glimmer of hope for them, when a crooked cop called Dimmer was holding them at gun point and he hinted that he thought they were lovers.

Then a few weeks later, he was drowning another break up with a girl when he found a very intoxicated Irish Detective and took him home. He felt so ashamed when he woke the next morning and realised they had slept together. He was sure that Lassiter would kill him, but instead they made a pact to never speak of it again. But it wasn't that easy and it wasn't that long before they were together again, but this time they weren't drunk. So they amended the pact to sex without strings.

But then Lassiter, in the heat of the moment, told Shawn he love him and he wasn't sure at first he had heard him right, but after asking him to stay and leave, he knew Lassiter meant it. But when he woke up to find him gone the next morning, the doubt he had lived with all his life returned again. He packed his bags, but when he realised that he couldn't leave, Shawn decided to take the permanent way out. Luckily Lassiter retuned in time to save his life.

Although I am letting Shawn to return to work, I am going to recommend that Shawn continue his sessions with me for at least another six months, so we can work on his self esteem.

To

Chief Vick

Santa Barbara Police Department

I have completed my assessment of your psychic consultant, one Mr. Shawn Spencer. In my professional opinion Mr. Spencer is able to return to work in his current position.

However, I am recommending that he is also to stay in therapy for at least another six months and a reassessment will be given at this time.

Although Mr. Spencer is quite able to perform his duties, there are a few topics that still need to be addressed and in time, I believe the issues behind some of his odd behaviour will be worked out.

The extra therapy is only a recommendation and is only going to work if Mr. Spencer is willing to continue; otherwise he is able to function to his full ability.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Jennet Lake.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing**


	16. Back to Work as Usual

**Chapter 16: Back to Work as Usual.**

Chief Vick looked at the two letters she held in her hands. They were straight forward and had all the information she needed and wanted. She looked up and saw the two men that letters were about looking at her from the other side of the large window and wondered if they somehow knew the letters would be here today.

Since the day that Mr. Spencer had tried to kill himself, she lost two of her best workers, but these letters have given them both back to her. Thinking about the consequences of that fateful day, so much had changed. Her hard assed Head Detective was shown to have flaws and that he wasn't as tough or heartless as everyone thought him to be. But the biggest shock was to find out he was gay.

To prepare the station for his return, since it was now public knowledge about his sexuality, the Chief had held a group meeting with every officer in her command. By the end of it, she was proud of her station and of her people, as they all said that it didn't bother any of them that their Head Detective was gay or even the fact that it was the annoying psychic Spencer he wanted to be with.

So when Lassiter returned to work, restricted to light duty, he was welcomed with open arms by his fellow officers. And even though he wasn't allowed work, Spencer still came in and amused the staff, whenever he wanted to.

But the one thing she had noticed was both men had changed. Lassiter no longer held his fellow officers at arm's length. Instead he now got involved with their conversation and when not working she had even heard he had gone out for a few drinks. He was even seen laughing and smiling, but Spencer was there as well. Although, most of the time, he still stuck with the little group he was most comfortable with, which was made up of O'Hara, Guster, Henry Spencer and Shawn, of course, and occasionally Officer McNab.

Spencer, too, had changed; he didn't jump around as much as he used to and the fights he had with his dad had also toned down as well. He still clowned around, but it was now more under control then before. When he comes in, he is there to see Lassiter and it is now so easy to see what everyone had missed, the love they had for each other. As she watched them, she could also see how good they were for each other.

Chief Vick looked back at the letters in her hands; she knew this day was coming, when the two of them would be back at work. She had checked up on the rules about cops dating consults and if they were allowed to work together. The answer, too her relief was yes. As she looked back up at them, she noticed that Shawn was looking at her as if he knew she wanted to talk to them. Smiling, the Chief walked to her door and called them both in. Only once they were in her office, the door was shut and they were seated in front of her, did the Chief speak to them.

"Good morning, Detective Lassiter, Mr. Spencer."

"Good morning, Chief," they each answered.

"Chief, what do you want to see us for?" asked Shawn a bit nervous. "If it's me coming around here too much, I'll leave. I don't want to get Lassie into trouble."

"It's ok, Mr. Spencer, neither you nor Detective Lassiter are in trouble, in fact the opposite," Chief Vick said trying to calm Shawn down a bit.

"In what way, Chief?" asked Lassiter.

"Yes, Chief, in what way?" copied Shawn.

"The fact in which, I have your psychiatric reviews and recommendation letters in my hand." And to emphasise this fact she held up the letters.

"Really...?" Lassiter asked.

"For really, real...? Shawn said jumping up.

"Yes, really," the Chief said with a straight face, but inside she wanted to smile at the two.

Lassiter's eyes had instantly lit up, boredom had at once left his face and he leaned forward slightly. Whereas Shawn, jumped up out of his chair and leaned over her desk. The smile he had, complemented the shining happiness in his eyes.

"Will you please sit down, Mr. Spencer, so I can continue?" the Chief said with a little annoyance in her voice.

"Aye, Aye, Captain," Shawn said standing to attention and saluting her before sitting down.

"Spencer..." Lassiter growled with a low voice, but he didn't looking at him. "Behave yourself, or else."

Shawn gave Lassiter a shocked look, which then turned into a pout. He first looked at the floor and then sheepishly looked up at the Chief. "Sorry."

The Chief nodded at him and then continued.

"Both of you, according to Dr. Lake are allowed to return to your full duties," Chief Vick said looking back down at the letters.

"Thank you, Chief."

"But, she has also placed some conditions as well." Chief Vick raised her head to see what their reaction to this was. Lassiter looked worried and Shawn didn't, in fact he didn't even look surprised.

"What..." Lassiter started but had to stop and swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. He knew in his heart that his condition was going to be that he wasn't going to be allowed to carry his gun. "What are the conditions, Chief?"

Shawn could hear his worry and placed a comforting hand on his thigh, he then gave it a squeezes. Lassiter looked his way and gave a nervous smile and then returned his attention back to the chief.

"Detective Lassiter, you are to have a review in six months time," Chief Vick said looking at him.

"Is that all?" Lassiter asked in shock.

"Yes," and with this the Chief reached into her desk and placed Lassiter's weapon in front of him. She could see him fighting back the tears of joy in his eyes.

Composing himself, he looked at the Chief. "Thank you, Chief, thank you." With that he stood up, took off his jacket and put his gun holster on. After putting his jacket back on, he sat back down and looked at Shawn, who he was surprised to see was pouting. "Shawn what's wrong, I thought you would be happy for me?"

"I am, Lassie, but I know now that you've gotten your gun back, you'll be straight down to the shooting range after work." Shawn said disappointment in his eyes.

"Actually, I thought that we would grab your dad, Guster, McNab and O'Hara, and go out and celebrate with dinner and a few drinks." Lassiter said looking at Shawn, "Oh and of course, you too, Chief, if you want to."

"Really, Lassie, you want to go out and celebrate, not go to the range?"

"I can go to the range anytime, but it not often I get reinstated and my gun back," he said giving Shawn a cuddle.

"Thank you," Shawn said "and you can come, can't you, Chief?"

"We'll see," she said. Now, shall we get back to this?"

"Yes, Chief," Lassiter said sitting back down.

"Now Mr. Spencer, you are also to return to work and before you ask, I have checked on the guide lines about you two working together and I am able to say that you can, as long as it doesn't interfere with your work."

"Thank you, Chief," Shawn said and stood to leave.

"I haven't finished yet, Mr. Spencer," the Chief said with her lips pressed together.

Shawn sat back down. "Sorry,"

"You, too, have recommendations; Dr. Lake would like to keep seeing you." Chief Vick stopped and waited to see what he had to say to this and when nothing came she continued. "She would like you to continue to see her for at least another six months. This is voluntary, but I suggest that you really consider continuing."

"Is that it, I just need to see her for a bit more?"

"Yes."

"Well then, when's my next appointment?" Shawn said with a grin.

"You will need to make it, now get back to work." Shawn noticed a small smile gracing her lips.

"Yes, Chief," they said, as they walked out the door.

Lassiter sat down at his desk and Shawn on it, before O'Hara, Henry Spencer and Gus were standing there asking what had happened?

"We're both reinstated as of today," Lassiter said with a smile on his face.

"So, no more paper work for you then?" asked O'Hara.

"Nope, and Spencer and I can work together."

"Yes, Lassie got his gun back and I just need to keep on with my sessions," Shawn put in as he watched the Chief in her office. "I think we're not going out tonight, Lassie."

"Why not?" he said a bit annoyed with Shawn.

"Because we have a job," Shawn replied.

"Shawn, be serious," his dad said to him, just as Chief Vick ducked her head out of her office.

"Lassiter, O'Hara and Mr. Henry Spencer could you please come into my office. You, two, as well please, Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster. Now please." The chief said a bit blunt for Shawn's liking.

"Chief, what's up?" asked Lassiter after they had all squeezed into her office.

"I have a job for you all," She said looking down at the note on her table.

"What is it?" O'Hara asked.

"There has been a shooting downtown, a restaurant in fact. Witnesses said that three men walked in and started shooting." She stopped and took a deep breath and then continued. "Office McNab was there with his wife, they both have been shot. Now I want this case done by the book, so these men can be brought in and not walk away on a technicality, understand?"

"Yes," each one answered at the same time.

"Then go. Henry, can I speak to you, alone? It'll just take a minute. The others can wait."

"Sure, Chief," Henry replied. After everyone else had left, Henry closed the door and waited for Chief Vick to speak.

"You know Shawn the best, so if you think he isn't coping, I want you to pull him from this."

"I understand, Chief, and don't worry, I will." He left to join the others.

As they left the building all their thoughts were with McNab and his wife and hoped they would be ok.

**The End**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing my story.**

**Sequel is done, posted and call 'It's Always the Quiet Ones'**


End file.
